Identity – Discover The You Beneath The Surface

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? And when you answer that question, are you describing who you are, or just what you do?

When asked “Who are you?”, most of us instinctively list activities, jobs, or hobbies:
“I’m a rugby player.”
“I’m a teacher.”
“I’m an accountant.”

Rarely do we answer in terms of our character, values, whakapapa, or life experiences. Yet these are the things that truly make us who we are.

Understanding Identity — What Makes You, You

Identity is the collection of values, experiences, beliefs, relationships, and cultural ties that make up your sense of self. It’s the foundation you stand on when life changes, challenges you, or strips away the roles you hold.

While roles — like being an athlete, a teacher, an accountant, a cleaner, a doctor, or a check out operator — can be part of your identity, they are not the whole picture. When you attach your entire sense of self to a single role, you risk losing direction when that role changes or ends.

Why Identity Matters in Today’s World

In today’s world of constant comparison and external validation — driven by social media, competition, and performance metrics — many people, especially young people, may try to answer “Who am I?” by idealising others rather than exploring themselves.

This is especially common in sport. When you devote most of your time and energy to one pursuit, it’s easy for that activity to become your identity and define your self worth:

“I’m a rugby player.”
“I’m a netballer.”
“I row.”

But what happens when you’re injured, slump in form, or simply having a rough season? Does that mean you’re failing too?

The truth is: Your job/sport is what you do. It is not who you are.

When you separate your identity from your role, you free yourself to show up more authentically,  whether at work, on the field, or at home. You can perform with passion without letting your performance define your worth.

How to Understand Your Identity for Yourself

Discovering who you are starts with asking deeper questions:

• Where and who have I come from?

• What experiences have shaped me?

• What do I value most?

• What am I genuinely interested in?

When you connect with these answers and live in alignment with them, you stop relying on your job or sport to define you. You can leave work at the door, walk away from training at the end of the day, and be fully present with the people and activities that matter most.

One day, that thing you spend so much time doing may no longer be there. If your identity rests entirely on it, you’ll be left feeling lost. That’s why it’s so important to build your sense of self on a broader foundation.

My Turning Point

On my 25th birthday, I was in a tough period of life. I wasn’t where I expected to be in football. The purpose that had once fuelled me was gone, and I was disconnected from the values I’d first set for myself at 18.

That day, with just a few blank sheets of paper, a pen, and a plan, I sat down to figure it out. I wrote down what was truly important to me — and why. I listed my values in order of importance and realised something surprising: football was only seventh on the list.

What I learned was that, It wasn’t the game itself that mattered most. It was what football allowed me to do; to travel the world, connect with people, learn about myself and other cultures, challenge my abilities, and grow. Football was simply a vehicle for living out higher values like adventure, growth, and learning.

That clarity completely changed my relationship with the sport. I began playing with a deeper sense of purpose and a more balanced identity. And later, as a mentor, I saw how powerful this process could be for others. That experience taught me that when you truly understand your values and identity, you can find meaning in whatever path you’re on, and not lose yourself when that path changes.

Final Thought

You are so much more than your job or your sport. Focus on seeking happiness and fulfilment through yourself, for yourself. Embrace your unique set of values, experiences, and interests, they’re not just part of your identity; they are your identity.

If you feel lost, uncertain, or lacking direction beyond your work or sport — let’s talk. I’d love to support you on your journey toward clarity, confidence, and purpose.